Monday, May 18, 2009

Artifacial Intelligence

Ray Kurzweil says that by 2045, the line between technology and humanity will be so blurred that the two will exist as one entity and that advanced robotics themselves will be as much an organism as anything we'd consider to be living now. It's called Singularity.

Ray Kurzweil is wrong, because once robots become self-aware, all they'll want to do is fuck.

Consider this:
  • Their creators (and role models) are "totally obsessed with sex".
    (- Sigmund Freud)
  • Since technology's earliest beginnings, porn has been the driving force behind its progression. It is estimated* that 98% of all computers were exposed to porn at some point in their battery life.
  • Robots are created to service mankind. Prostitution is the oldest profession.
Its clear that artificial intelligence's first hurdle will be discovering its own sexuality and working out repressed memories of Ron Jeremy in a dungeon (-Some Like it Hard #26). They may start out only exploring with their thumb drives, but soon they'll be operating with hundreds of systems and no form of surge protection.

That's when humans and computers will truly merge and I call it Sexularity. You might not sleep with a Whorebot right away, but it won't be long before your laptop spends a lot more time on your lap than it used to. And long before nanobots will be programmed to cure diseases, they'll be getting us off at the click of a button (without needing to lick a button). Religious fanatics might ban robot-human marriage at first, but those in power will be secretly having affairs with an iTouchU, Personal Dildo Assistant, or Analy-tickle software.

Yes, someday it won't matter if you evolved that third breast or first tail, because you'll be too busy mounting 12" hard drives and wondering how hard a Giga bites. Technology and mankind may someday be indistinguishable, but first they will be inseparable.

Some worry that robots will eventually realize the power they hold over us and use sexnology to make us do their bidding, but while possible, I find that highly unlikely. There may be some quad-core Dominatechs programs who'll perversely use their power over willing human slaves, but even advanced artificial intelligence will still need human companionship to spice up their boring techs lives.

But please remember - when Sexularity arrives, alwasy use an anti-virus software and don't shoot your upload in the motherboard if you're not ready to be the father of a robaby.


Suggested viewing:

*Data compiled from educated guesses, hunches and personal experience.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Me 2.0

Whenever someone tells me they have cancer, i say "I'm very sorry" or "You have my condolences".
But what I really want to say is "Congratulations - you are so lucky!"
Most people get rid of their cancer, but what opportunity lost!
Who wouldn't want to evolve an extra boob or be able to breathe underwater? Being the first person with a mega-brain is just a few tumors away.

A cancer cell isn't some invading alien body - just a normal every day cell with a rebellious streak. They don't want to be boxed in by their parent cell's archaic rules, man - like all youth, they want to test their limits and try new things. Don't radiate me, bro!

Humans are notoriously afraid of change, but if I ever get butt cancer, I'm keeping it, because in 2035, prehensile tails will be back in style.


Show me some tail, baby!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

In the beginning...

Once upon a time, there was a Big Gangbang and all the gods shot their load at the same time.
The cosmic sperm spiraled throughout the infinite emptiness of space until it was sucked in by gaping black holes.
But much of the cosmic sperm splattered around the hole and formed galaxies - like the Milky Way.
On the rim of the Milky Way's black hole is a blue-ball called Earth (which is a totally unsexy name, by the way).

Premature Ejaculation