Sunday, June 7, 2009

I'm gonna die for the rest of my life

Today we're going to take a peek at the dark side of science: suicide.

Is suicide sexy? Well... no, but as my father used to say... she gives a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do her.

Your body loses roughly 60 billion cells a day due to a process called apoptosis (aka programmed cell death). Your cells voluntarily kill themselves. In the time it will take you to read this blog, 42 million of your cells will have committed suicide. Over the course of a year, the suicidal cells you lose will add up to your body weight. 22 trillion* dead pieces of you.

Put simply: every year, you kill yourself. An entire you is birthed
and buried over and over again. You as much celebrate your death as you do your birth every time you blow out another round of birthday candles.

Cells off themselves for a variety of reasons, but their motivation revolves around one of two core issues:
  1. They are wasting space or energy
  2. They are fucking shit up
Suicide is most important when a cell is infected with something - like a virus - that will spread to other cells. When you get bitten by a zombie, the proper thing to do is kill yourself before you infect the rest of the world and end mankind. The same is true of more serious infections like Rush Limbaugh.
Certain viruses can prevent apoptosis and reproduce freely - eventually killing the host. Depression is the worst of these. Left unchecked it can spread quickly and is hard to overcome. One bad apple spoils the bunch and a bunch of apathetic, unmotivated cells are worthless.

Sometimes a cell will realize that it is a danger to others and will honorably committ seppuku of its own volition, but other times, a loser cell will need other cells to encourage the suicide.

For example, let's say a cell was sitting around your house all day. It watches infomercials and eats all your ice cream. It doesn't buy more ice cream, or toilet paper. It doesn't clean the toilet either. It's just there, using energy and not paying any rent. Its gotta go and sometimes you gotta say, "Dude, kill yourself" and kick that loser out on the street when it does. Othertimes, its just a matter of space. The cell with 6 cars parked on its front lawn and the meth lab in back is taking up valuable real estate. But if that cell overdoses - BOOM! - Starbucks.

One way or another, if a cell can't fix itself or be fixed, it must commit suicide for the good of all cells. Not doing so is a selfish act - dead weight holding back the progress and prosperity of life without regard to the detriment or decline of those cells who need every edge they can get to survive. And more toilet paper.
*Leap year data

Monday, May 18, 2009

Artifacial Intelligence

Ray Kurzweil says that by 2045, the line between technology and humanity will be so blurred that the two will exist as one entity and that advanced robotics themselves will be as much an organism as anything we'd consider to be living now. It's called Singularity.

Ray Kurzweil is wrong, because once robots become self-aware, all they'll want to do is fuck.

Consider this:
  • Their creators (and role models) are "totally obsessed with sex".
    (- Sigmund Freud)
  • Since technology's earliest beginnings, porn has been the driving force behind its progression. It is estimated* that 98% of all computers were exposed to porn at some point in their battery life.
  • Robots are created to service mankind. Prostitution is the oldest profession.
Its clear that artificial intelligence's first hurdle will be discovering its own sexuality and working out repressed memories of Ron Jeremy in a dungeon (-Some Like it Hard #26). They may start out only exploring with their thumb drives, but soon they'll be operating with hundreds of systems and no form of surge protection.

That's when humans and computers will truly merge and I call it Sexularity. You might not sleep with a Whorebot right away, but it won't be long before your laptop spends a lot more time on your lap than it used to. And long before nanobots will be programmed to cure diseases, they'll be getting us off at the click of a button (without needing to lick a button). Religious fanatics might ban robot-human marriage at first, but those in power will be secretly having affairs with an iTouchU, Personal Dildo Assistant, or Analy-tickle software.

Yes, someday it won't matter if you evolved that third breast or first tail, because you'll be too busy mounting 12" hard drives and wondering how hard a Giga bites. Technology and mankind may someday be indistinguishable, but first they will be inseparable.

Some worry that robots will eventually realize the power they hold over us and use sexnology to make us do their bidding, but while possible, I find that highly unlikely. There may be some quad-core Dominatechs programs who'll perversely use their power over willing human slaves, but even advanced artificial intelligence will still need human companionship to spice up their boring techs lives.

But please remember - when Sexularity arrives, alwasy use an anti-virus software and don't shoot your upload in the motherboard if you're not ready to be the father of a robaby.


Suggested viewing:

*Data compiled from educated guesses, hunches and personal experience.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Me 2.0

Whenever someone tells me they have cancer, i say "I'm very sorry" or "You have my condolences".
But what I really want to say is "Congratulations - you are so lucky!"
Most people get rid of their cancer, but what opportunity lost!
Who wouldn't want to evolve an extra boob or be able to breathe underwater? Being the first person with a mega-brain is just a few tumors away.

A cancer cell isn't some invading alien body - just a normal every day cell with a rebellious streak. They don't want to be boxed in by their parent cell's archaic rules, man - like all youth, they want to test their limits and try new things. Don't radiate me, bro!

Humans are notoriously afraid of change, but if I ever get butt cancer, I'm keeping it, because in 2035, prehensile tails will be back in style.


Show me some tail, baby!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

In the beginning...

Once upon a time, there was a Big Gangbang and all the gods shot their load at the same time.
The cosmic sperm spiraled throughout the infinite emptiness of space until it was sucked in by gaping black holes.
But much of the cosmic sperm splattered around the hole and formed galaxies - like the Milky Way.
On the rim of the Milky Way's black hole is a blue-ball called Earth (which is a totally unsexy name, by the way).

Premature Ejaculation